What we feel in the present is a portal not a punishment, here I share an example of how surrendering to the present moment allows energy to shift and reveal a new way.

I have reproduced this inner process exactly as it came through. As you read, you’ll notice it doesn’t follow logically. Turning inward rarely does. Relax your mind’s focus and trust yourself to feel your way through, experiencing the transformation that took place within me and what is possible for us all.

_________

It was a warm spring day – the kind when you can finally walk barefoot without your feet going numb (!)

Feeling heavy and stuck, with nowhere to hide in the presence of the horses, I knew that it was time to stop avoiding myself and sit with what I felt.

Slumping down and surrendering to my body, I wrote the following:

“I sit and feel this gaping hole in the presence of my horses.

Gaping.

Won’t want to be with me
Fear of rejection
Don’t invite

Could I be me regardless?

I won’t be chosen
I won’t be chosen
I’m doomed to a life of this
Flawed

Comfortable

An easier story.

~

Accepting all I feel in my body
Expectation-less joy

Heavy
So heavy, the weight of unworthiness
Seen objectively
No shame

This is what you were taught was safe
Ways of relating to the horse that had you primarily deficient and in a false sense of self were approved of

Taught as safe
An ok way of relating

To be using them to prove something
“Prove your worth through them”
A misuse of their power
Using their power to substitute your own lack.

But what when we relate to them from a place where we never gave away our own power?

Then we have nothing to get.

No expectation.

What then?

When our own sense of self and worth are not misplaced outside of us
Not expectant upon another’s response

Now we can learn
Now it is safe to learn from
To learn from we have to feel safe within ourselves
From the inside out
To even discover what that is and feels like is the first step.

They can help us learn.

And now you are connected (to your power) – what do you want to do? What do you want to learn?

~

Believing the story of your unworthiness arrests you.

You don’t have to believe it.
Kept you safe. Thank you
Now we can steadily explore beyond the boundary of the box
The one our energy is constrained by
It’s safe now to feel lifts, to feel the eb and rise.

You are worthy of meeting the horse in a new paradigm.

Where you may learn and teach in turn.

And it goes on.

You might be surprised by what you find.

That gaping hole (at the start) was actually yearning.
A portal your mind couldn’t take you though.
Into a new way.
Of exactly what we know not.
But if we cannot shed we will surely perish.
When the pain of stagnation outweighs the fear of failure, that’s when we take a leap into the unknown.

When the agony of living an unfulfilled life screams louder than the inner voice that is trying to keep us safe, we find the courage to trust.

Something.

The courage to trust in our own ability to handle each step of the way, the courage to trust that the universe has our back.

And at the end of this inquiry?

Now I know I am home.”